This may possibly involve giving her a sincere apology for breaching her trust or overreaching in your response to her relationship with her friend.(Showing that you can be fallible in your parental judgment when your daughter is 13 [and is probably savvier than one might suspect] would be the honest thing to do, and I'm sure she would appreciate the gesture of your openness if you can convince her that your action is genuine.) I also invite you to consider your own motivations for acting the way you did more deeply.We tried to explain that it was an age thing, that if the 17yo was a boy, we would have done the SAME thing.We explained we did it to protect her, we explained how 13yo and 17yo have different emotions and all the rest, but of course she didn't want to hear it. She just lays in her room in the dark not talking to anyone. I know it is not my job to be her friend right now, but to be her mom, but any advice would be appreciated.One thing you haven't discussed very much in your account is your daughter's relationship with her other friend (the one who is aged 13 or 14).
It seems important for healthy communication channels between all the members of your family to be reestablished as soon as is reasonably possible in order to restore a more normal atmosphere, and of course to improve the frayed relations between your daughter and yourselves.
Were they mostly about you and your prejudices, or were they truly mostly focused on your daughter's well-being?
You do sound like a deeply caring parent, but it may be the case that you and your husband would benefit from at least a degree of professional help to come to terms with the possibility that your daughter will turn out to be gay, as well as getting some guidance regarding the best way to deal with some of the issues connected with that possibility.
The way these events unfolded is an unfortunate one, and I feel rather sorry for your current predicament as a family.
By forbidding your daughter from seeing her 17-year-old friend, it seems to me that you possibly accomplished several things: Well, it is of course quite possible that I've missed the mark in some of my analysis.